Have you ever felt the pain of doing something wrong that you knew was wrong long before you did it? You knew it was wrong before, during and after your action and you wondered how you could keep making the same undesired choice again and again. This dilemma presented in a client that sobbed as she explained her choice to be promiscuous even though she was repulsed by her choice to indulge in the risky behavior.
As we talked about her process, I challenged her to think about a part of her that felt right about making the choice that she KNEW was wrong. As she pondered for a while, she said that it made her feel powerful and in control to be able to reject the men after the one night stand. As she delved into why she needed to feel this power, she explained that her painful childhood memories included parental conflict in which her Dad cheated on her Mom. She felt so disempowered and insecure, that it felt right to feel empowered even if it meant that she had to do something that went against her better judgement. As a little girl, when she felt overwhelmed, a loss of power, and insecure, her mental structure fractured and the basic human need to feel secure and empowered became a priority. She got her fundamental needs met through the ways in which she was most familiar and comfortable.
Maybe your procrastination, addiction, eating disorder, self-loathing or self-deprecating self-talk is leading to an unfulfilling life full of self-doubt, hopelessness, feelings of being stuck and pain. This vicious cycle is supported and fed by this fractured past and will continue to proliferate through this limited lens. With awareness of your own fragmentation, you can begin to understand, heal, and integrate back to your wholeness. It is when we feel whole and complete (never perfect as we are all works in progress), we are finally able to see ourselves, others, and our world AS IT IS. This helps us access our authentic being. It allows us to transcend right and wrong, good and bad to finally overcome the limitations of our lifelong conditioning and align with our authentic self.